July 24, 2009

Mallet Time! Break It Down

Yesterday I was firing up the DVD player for the kid, and when I turned the TV on, there was a frustrated white man in a parking lot with a stroller. He slammed it on the ground, then smashed it against a dumpster a couple of times in a manner not unlike that episode of The Office. Then some black guy saunters up, makes some quip about not wanting the stroller, and the guy starts babbling about killing someone with it.

I'm stunned--and also thinking, "Dude, don't you watch CSI? They can still find your murderous stroller. It's right there in the dumpster." The kid's like, "huh? killing? babies? strollers?" and I'm mostly I'm like, "WTF?" and knowing I need to switch it to DVD, but I was also a little like, "Screenshot!?" So I hit the channel guide. It was Guiding Light.

Did you know they shoot soap operas outdoors now? Also, that it's the longest-running drama in history, except for like the Iliad or something? And that it's based in Springfield? [Matt Groening, you got some 'splainin' to do!] Hey look, you can watch the whole thing online:


Or here's the relevant bit of the daily recap from soapcentral.com, which reads like a Cliff's Notes version of James. M. Cain:

At the Cooper house, Marina couldn't believe that Mallet assumed she'd murdered the Edmund look-alike. She stormed out of the house with Henry. Mallet pursued her outside to say that the plastics in the stroller and the victim's head matched. "You'd think I'd remember if I bashed someone in the head with it!" Marina yelled.

Dinah found Mallet shooting hoops at the gym. She told him about Shayne's proposal, but she said she hadn't agreed to marry him because of the situation with Jeffrey. Mallet confided that he'd confronted Marina about murdering the John Doe. "I killed someone, and you still love me," Dinah reasoned. Mallet wanted Marina to tell him the truth, but Dinah concluded that Mallet wanted too much from people.

Mallet left the gym, and Frank entered as Dinah shot hoops. She told Frank that she hoped Jeffrey's funeral would help everyone to move on. Frank replied that Mallet still had a John Doe murder on his hands. Frank said they didn't know whether the victim was really Edmund, and they still needed to solve the case.

Mallet flipped out when he saw Remy pushing the stroller evidence through the police parking lot. Remy said he'd recognized it as Henry's old stroller, and offered to put it in Mallet's car. Mallet insisted that he didn't want the thing. When Remy couldn't understand why not, Mallet snatched the stroller, and said he'd take care of it.

Mallet banged the stroller against the side of a dumpster until he broke it. "So I guess you didn't want the stroller, huh?" Remy asked. Mallet confided his suspicions that Marina had killed the John Doe by striking him with the baby stroller. Remy realized that Marina had been protecting Henry from Edmund. Remy said protecting one's child was the purest form of self-defense. Mallet couldn't figure out why Marina hadn't trusted him enough to tell him the truth.

When Mallet returned home, he found Marina awaiting him. He asked her for the truth, and she repeated that she hadn't committed the crime. Mallet grew frustrated, and Marina wondered what they would do. "We hope for the truth," Mallet replied.

Outside Company, Ashlee asked Dinah to watch Henry for a moment. Dinah showed Henry the engagement ring, but said she didn't deserve it. Dinah stated that she never wanted Marina, or anyone else, to be blamed for the murder. "But I had to protect you from Edmund when he tried to grab you that day. I had to keep you safe, because he was going to take you away," Dinah said as Matt approached. "I didn't have any other choice than to kill Edmund or whoever that man was that was coming after you."

Dinah noticed Matt, and from the look on his face, she realized that he'd heard her. Ashlee returned outside, and asked Dinah to view the memorial video. Dinah said she'd do it later, and strode away upset.

Matt chased Dinah across the street. She cried that she'd killed someone again. Matt replied that she'd done it for Henry, and that was different. Matt reasoned that the police thought Jeffrey had done it. Dinah replied that she couldn't do that to Reva. Matt said no one could change Jeffrey's fate. Matt knew that Shayne wanted to marry Dinah. Matt urged Dinah to accept the proposal. "You protected a little baby. Who knows who else you saved," Matt said. "Everyone has skeletons in their closets, Dinah. Bury it. You've got to bury it."

Wait, Mallet? Please tell me that's a last name. Ah, good. Wait, they launched a character named A.C. Mallet in 1990, six months after "U Can't Touch This" is released, and the only time people start complaining about nonsense is now that there's a death by stroller?


My favorite line is "She cried that she'd killed someone again." With a stroller.

I'm glad you clarified that you weren't just sitting around watching Guiding Light. I'd have been concerned.

I love this blog.

Daytime soaps just make for good comedic theatre on a daily basis!

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