November 4, 2005

Admittedly, That's A Big "If"

What, is sperm graded on a curve now?

Actor/director/all-around prick Vincent Gallo is selling his sperm, preferrably to a blonde, blue-eyed Jewess--but not to anyone with a dark complexion, sorry--for $1 million:

Mr. Gallo is 5'11" and has blue eyes. There are no known genetic deformities in his ancestry (no cripples) and no history of congenital diseases. If you have seen The Brown Bunny, you know the potential size of the genitals if it's a boy. (8 inches if he's like his father.) I don't know exactly how a well hung father can enhance the physical makeup of a female baby, but it can't hurt.
The funny thing about sperm samples is, you never really know. I mean, until 2000, most people thought that Papa Bush was going to hold onto the #1 least worst pick title forever. Gallo just saw an opportunity to make his move.

BUY NOW Vincent Gallo's Sperm - $1 million [vgmerchandise via tmn]


Wow, ladies, don't miss the opportunity for your beloved spawn to get some of these genetics:

I mean, granted, the guy is like 60 years old or something. But he looks like a junkie's corpse warmed up.

[while it's technically safe for work, this picture of a clothed Gallo is probably too skank for work... -ed.]

Surely the offer is some kind of joke, isn't it?

[If Gallo has a sense of humor, I've never heard of it. -ed.]

I guess being an arrogant Nazi doesn't count as a genetic deformity?

[and the descendants of German soldiers get a $50k discount. No lie. -ed.]

I would say something mean about Vincent Gallo, but I'm too scared he'll hunt me down and make me watch his movies.

Greg, you are shitting me!!!!

["Anyone who can prove a direct family link to any of the German soldiers of the mid-century will also receive this discount." Does no one ever click through and read these things? -ed.]

This MUST be some attempt at a very sick joke...

I'll admit that I thought it was kind of funny when uber-contrarian hipster Gallo became a card carrying member of the Republican party, but now that he's a nazi, it's just kind of sad and pathetic.

Somebody needs to give old Vincey a nice hug.

Somebody without the distracting fashion sense of Chloe Sevigny.

No, I admit, I just took your word for it. :) Nicole vouches for you.

Did you catch this part?!?!

"If the purchaser of the sperm chooses the option of natural insemination, there is an additional charge of $500,000. However, if after being presented detailed photographs of the purchaser, Mr. Gallo may be willing to waive the natural insemination fee and charge only for the sperm itself."

So nice of him to offer to waive his "natural insemination fee" if your bootie is looking good. And, I don't even want to know what "detailed photos" entail. Total weirdo.

Is it at all possible that:

a) Gallo is being made to look a jackass by someone


b) Gallo is protesting the whole 'jew controlled media' thing that isn't giving his horrid films awards

[I'm sure "b" is on his list, but the rest of that site is pure Gallo, too. -ed.]

His jacket "art" reads: Reagan: Legend/Bush: Hero

oh good god, that explains everything.

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