DT reader Seth is onto something here:
Even referring to them as bumpers is misleading as the name implies (as with cars) some added element of safety or protection.So if you wanted to accurately reflect the safety risks they pose to newborns who might get their faces stuck up against them, and suffocate and die, what should crib bumpers be called?
The first thing that comes to my mind is Pillow Pets, because only because it's marketing-driiven crap that I hate. DT reader DT's suggestion, crib smotherers, is heading in the right direction.
Work up a nice list, and I'll gladly forward it to the ASTM committee and the JPMA for their molasses-assed consideration.
Devil Baby Smother Bumpers
you do know your wife has approved my purchase of pillow pets for the kid and k2 right? :) ho ho ho
A few mediocre ideas:
Suffocaids
Suffocuties
Smotheroons
Happy Gasps
More of a slogan than a name, but... "Putting the 'mother' back in 'smother'"
I do, and I am, of course, very grateful for your generosity.
You've noticed the Amazon links that come up with this post, right? I like the ones from Guangdong Textile
Puffy Pals
Fabric Face Friends
Bumper Bummers
Safety Sides
Baby Mufflers
The whole issue is interesting, because I thought they were for protecting their little heads from whacking into the wooden slats, and duly made sure I had a set for the crib. But removed them when the kids started being self-mobile, like the instructions said.
You should also remove the mattress, because, you know, the children could get their faces stuck upon it, too, then die a horrible, horrible (horrible!!!) death!!!!111!!
Here in Germany where man are still man and children are only barely able to breath we use crib bumpers for both K1 and K2 and call them by euphemistic moniker "Nestchen". Which means ... surprisingly ... little nest. On a different note, however, we have rebranded Kindergarten to the more technocratic Kindertagesstätte or short KiTa.
that's definitely going to make the top five.
Can't-Breath-Rite Strips
So I definitely tuned out any Pillow Pets hype but a relative gave our kids each a Pillow Pet as Hanukkah gifts. While I wasn't thrilled to welcome these pets into our home, I would say that, as far as trendy, hyped, must-have holiday gifts go, these are fairly benign.
Crib Clutter
Baby Snuffers
Baby Extinguishers
Shrouds of Turned-In
I like Baby Snuffers.
Cradle-to-Grave Coverage
Baby-tuner-outters
Mouth mufflers
Silencers
yow, silencers is good/awful.