The Mall: The kids and I went to Hot Topic yesterday at the mall. [Actually, at the second mall; the first mall we went to on Wednesday didn't even have a Hot Topic. What the point of our country's massive investment in a strategic national retail infrastructure if it can't provide basic homogeneity?]
Anyway, wow. What a cultural mess. There was an upselling lesson in progress when we wheeled in, it was like the iron-on version of Glengarry Glen Ross: "...If they're looking for notebooks, suggest a folder. If they're looking for shoes, point out the coordinated shoe laces..."
"I'm looking for Yo Gabba Gabba! keycaps."
"Ooh, who likes Yo Gabba Gabba?" Looks at kid. "You?" Never mind that the kid doesn't have a key, or even anything that needs a key, much less a keycap. The Hot Topic business model has nothing to do with need.
The Merch: Anyway, I bought a pile of Yo Gabba Gabba! keycaps, produced by Loungefly, and a couple of matching YGG! key rings, which are not even on the Hot Topic site yet. At the checkout counter, the guy ringing me up goes, "Did you know the Yo Gabba Gabba! tank tops are buy one, get one half off?" I was like, "No thanks, but nice upsell!"
Let me say, after seeing the amazing quality of these $3.99 premium key accessories, you may never be able to go back to the cheap plastic keycaps your local key duplicator tries to offload for a quarter. They're molded in exquisite detail from multi-colored silicon, just like the finest "I'm wearing a bracelet, but I'm not gay! It's for cancer!" men's jewelry.
The Contest: Daddy Types will be giving away these precious objets to 5-7 lucky readers chosen at random. To enter, use a working email address and just add your most superfluous, eye-rolling and/or eyebrow-raising kid's character licensed product--real or imagined--in the comments below. A fruit bouquet with Hello Kitty-shaped pineapple slices? A Muno condom, bumped for her pleasure? A Dora the Explorer lead testing kit? Elmo peeking out of my kid's Pampers? There are no bad [sic] ideas!
The Details: Even though marketers are offering big bucks right now to reach the "Mocks my products, doesn't want to go to the mall, doesn't want to spend four bucks" demographic, email addresses will only be used to contact the winners, and won't be displayed, shared, or sold. Mention as many products or product ideas as you like; you get one chance per comment. Enter by next Friday night [Midnight EST on Saturday, 8/16.]
Tigger Ritalin and Eeyore Paxil.
Mickey Mouse spinach
Abby Cadabby Bugaboo Seat Cover
How about the disney eczema cream that I'm currently using.
Wow. I'd say we have a winner, but then I'd be stuck with 6 more key doodads. Keep'em coming!
I've always thought the wiggles underwear my son has was strange. Something about 4 grown men cavorting on a pair of toddler briefs is creepy.
Snow White maxi pads
At a child's birthday party, they had a Dora pinata. Not too weird, except it was hung from a noose, er, rope around its neck and once it was hit enough to open, Dora's head was swinging from the tree. Kinda gruesome, if you ask me.
The Today Spongebob.
Mickey Mouse earplugs.
Popeye "Personal Lubricant"
(Insert huge forearm joke here)
It's remarkable how quickly we found the level of the room.
the not-at-all phallic Dora the Explorer Aquapet
Wow, now I am kicking myself for not remembering that we used Disney/Winnie the Pooh cradle cap lotion (same line as the eczema cream): http://www.gentlenaturals.com/products/cradle_cap.cfm
A friend brought me a Hello Kitty vibrator from Japan. Nice.
I bought my wife a vintage Strawberry Shortcake t-shirt that read "I taste good!"
Thomas the Training Underpants
Parasite Pals
http://www.mcphee.com/parasitepals/
Thomas the Tank Engine "Train"-ing Toothpaste in "Toot"-y Fruity flavor
I saw a display of ESPN-branded reading glasses at the drugstore the other day. Not exactly a kids' item, but ESPN is owned by Disney, so I guess it counts...
A friend in Japan sent us Disney princess, germ-spread-prevention, surgical masks.
If we could invent a product, it would be "Thomas the Tank Engine brand Prune Juice", to facilitate toddler regularity. We have a little cheese and banana fan over here, thus things can become a little...slow. She gives the hairy eyeball to prune juice, but if Thomas was on the label, she might be more open to the idea. It could even say something like "Prevent Confusion and Delay!"
edible bouquet of fruit made into the head of elmo. saw this at a birthday party. creepy.
I have a Doremon earthquake preparedness kit. It is basically a glorified lunch box with a flashlight, some band-aids and a whistle. Leave it to the Japanese to make cute products even for natural disasters.
Disembodied hands holding small infant, Zacky infant Pillow.
Creepy! Maybe for Halloween.
I Rub My Ducky bedside massager
http://bigteazetoys.com/content/view/32/172/lang,/
Gucci baby carrier.....
http://www.saksfifthavenue.com/main/ProductDetail.jsp?PRODUCT%3C%3Eprd_id=845524446162642&FOLDER%3C%3Efolder_id=282574492709215&ASSORTMENT%3C%3East_id=1408474399545537&bmUID=1205825926920&ev19=1:4
The Hello Kitty Toaster which brown's Hello Kitty in to every piece of toast.
http://www.amazon.com/Hello-Kitty-Toaster-KT5211/dp/B00021HBU4
"Mighty Morphin Power Rangers Day of the Dumpster" (an actual book consisting of 32 pages Read-Along book with 3-D Rangervision color photos)
Badtz Maru condoms, sadly no longer available. (Note: some info is wrong on the link, e.g., conflating the My Melody & Hello Kitty characters, but there's a pic of the infamous Hello Kitty vibrator. Yea!)
Also, character-shaped Bento boxes so you can make the most fantastically gorgeous lunches EVER.
Oh, and is there any chance we might get the "preview" option back? I always seem to make an html error and it's so much easier to catch them with "preview."
How about the Little People TSA security checkpoint (a supplement to their airport). It includes a new character, a TSA agent, with a cavity-probing accessory.
Too much?
My son was given a talking Elmo as a gift. We have named him 'Stalker Elmo' since he says things like "Elmo knows your name is... and that you were born on August 2nd. Elmo needs a hug! Elmo needs a kiss!'' Right, that's not creepy at all.
Olympics Theme...
My Lil' Gymnast: Birth Certificate Forgery Kit.
Tickle Me Elmo rectal thermometer.
Elmo Shiraz - loud favor with a strikingly annoying finish.
High School Musical undies for tween girls with the slogan, "Dive in!" on the back.
Brilliant!http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article1556538.ece
thanks, everyone, the contest is now closed. After I add a couple of entries that came in via email [when comments were broken], I'll draw names from the list. Stay tuned for the winners, and thanks again!