August 31, 2006

Hipster To Parents: Please Curb Your Children

Angry hipster Ryan:

Last weekend I was on my way to Riverside Skatepark when I very nearly walked right through a stream of urine being expelled from a toddler. I was walking down the sidewalk staring up at the trees when I saw something out of the bottom corner of my eye(toddler). Luckily I looked down just in time to jump out of the way of this pissing little pissant’s piss. The kid was standing in the grass while pissing onto the sidewalk! And his CPS-case-in-the-making of a father was standing right there beside him. I don't mean that I almost stepped in a puddle of pee, I mean that had I not jumped out of the way, this kid would have pissed directly on me.
Dozens of pissed [off, if not on] comments later, an anonymous dad of a 4-yo explains why he's let his kid piss on the street five times so far: because the kid can't hold it:
Perhaps Mr. Pissed you should inquire and ask your mother about your peeing habits when you were first toilet trained to have a bit more compassion and understanding with this situation.
5:26 PM

Ryan said...

anonymous,

No.

Carry a jar with a good lid.

And my mother is dead.

The takeaway here for parents: don't let your kid pee on hipsters unless they really look like they deserve it.

Parents: Sidewalks Are Not Toilets For Children
[via gawker]

13 Comments

I'm an angry hipster, but I'm not the same angry hipster Ryan that you've got there. I wholeheartedly support peeing on hipsters.

Man that's nothing. I've been almost pissed on so many times by the colorful citizens of the tenderloin in SF and for what? Good Indian food. Being pissed on by a little tot is way better than being urinated on by Tron5000 who's got a direct line to God through his fillings. Plus the kid's gotta have bad aim. Its HARD to dodge Tron5K.

Here in the UK on monday, there aired a programme called 'Honey I suckle the kids' - all about attatchment parenting. Fine - until we met the 'nutty lady' who was into her 'Elimination Communication'. This meant dispelling with diapers and anticipating your baby's every pee and poo. This poor child was peeing out the window, behind the car, outside every shop she was about to go into. Yuk! They even had an E.C. party in the park where 10 day old babies were being nursed whilst a plastic pot was held beneath them to catch the 'products'. Double yuk!

Pure and simple and let's not go down the path of sugar coating this. The father of this minature manakin pis should be slapped silly. What an idiot. Let's teach our children to have no consideration for others.

[great advice for any situation you don't like, thanks! I'll teach it to my kid right now! Until the slap-silly >> consideration-for-others cycle is restored, our culture is doomed. -ed.]

In a big way, I agree with Ryan. I mean, when the kid has to go, he has to go but on the sidewalk??? Totally unecessary. When we're out and about on a long walk and one of my charges desparetly needs to go, typically after the lecture of "you should have gone before we left rather than throwing that huge tantrum because you 'didn't have to' and wouldn't even try", I find the nearest tree or bush out of the way where no one will walk or step in it. Heck, most dogs don't even pee on the sidewalk! Have some decency

I thought hipsters hated kids in their neighborhoods because they lessened the cool factor of their precious "underground" places. What's more rock-n-roll than just taking a piss wherever you want?! Those kids are hard core.

[and what's less underground than Riverside park and the upper west freakin' side? -ed]

I'd just like to chime in that not all people practicing EC let their children just go in the street. Most use plastic bags or bowls or portable potties of some kind. It may sound gross to some people, but I think diapers are yuckier. I'm doing part-time EC with my 7-month-old and I haven't had to change a poopy diaper in a week!

[yeah, but what does your kitchen floor look like? -ed.]

It's just a matter of common decency, isn't it? Why couldn't the kid pee behind a bush or a tree or something? I guess we should all be walking around pissing wherever we want, regardless of whether or not someone is walking by or in the line of fire, so to speak? If we can be protected from stepping in dog poop (by the dogs' owners being required to pick up after them), why shouldn't we also be protected from being pissed on by human beings?

He needs to pee, fine. But on the friggin' sidewalk?! Give me a break.

Ok seriously - what's the right thing to do (other than telling your little pisser don't piss on a passerby) If the 3 years old has to go and there is no bathroom - what do you do?

Stanislaw,

Um, is that a serious question?

Walking down the street in NYC "staring up at the trees" on his way to the park?

Time (and the pooper scooper law) may have changed things for the better since I grew up in New York City, but methinks this guy is lucky he didn't have to wire brush his shoes before he could walk back in the door...

My answer to Stanislaw would be to have your toddler (or mine) pee in the European style - into the gutter (but not standing between parked cars).

And please watch out for Ryan's hubcaps

[frankly, I think guys should make an honest assessment of their own "when ya gotta go, ya gotta go" experiences and apply it to their kids. -ed.]

Parents:

I'm not sure how my story got picked up by this website, but regardless...

It seems that most of the reasonable people here see my point and agree with me.

That is a good thing.

Ryan

[I was just walking down the street looking at the sky when I found it. thanks for stopping by and spinning a little. -ed.]

ahhhhh, I checked out Ryan's blog (linked to in his comment above) and it turns out the post he wrote *just* before his rant about the peeing toddler is a lovely NY moment story about him and his friends. The punchline (his words) to the post: he vomited on the sidewalk in front of a hotel and a few feet away from a few tourists and their luggage. Apparently, toddlers peeing on the sidewalk is a much more offensive act than a grown, drunken man vomiting on the sidewalk... good to know!

Toddlers don't have much impulse control, whether it's walking along happily and unexpectedly throwing a massive (unwarranted & unexplicable) tantrum of epic proportions, or giving a three-second notice that they need to pee. The dad in question could've handled things better (like turning his son around so he was peeing on the grass) but I'll give him the benefit of the doubt, he may be sleep-deprived or something. As for Ryan, I hope if he breeds his children will take years to potty-train, so he has the opportunity to eat his words.

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