Prevent Sudden Infant Death Syndrome by screaming at baby every five minutes, "Are you okay, baby?!"
Hey, if I was stuck after college with no job and no prospects and living in Milwaukee, maybe I'd become a mean-spirited, acidic comedian, too. But damn, those Onion writers were a cruel-funny bunch in the mid-1990's.
This 1997 list of tips for new parents is shot through with the sadistic, one-upping humor of people who knew they were years away from any actual spawning themselves. Fortunately, there's no greater prophylactic than being a zine-publishing nerd in Laverne & Shirley-land.
Baby-Care Tips For First-Time Parents [theonion's newly opened archives]