Here's a story that a DT reader and baby daddy just posted as a comment. I'm pretty stunned by it and have to think a bit before I can come up with any useful advice for him. But it's a pretty rough, compelling story.
I was 29 years old when I knew I was going to be a father. The mother had a 7 year old and a 4 year old at the time didn't have a very nice place to stay(to put it mildly). She got pregnant, and we handled the situation. We agreed that she has to go on the pill. She complied, and we continued our rendezvous. Well, she somehow got pregnant. She stated that she had done everything correctly, but somehow, it just happened.
Here I am, thinking, well, 24 years old and 3 kids, there is no way that she's keeping this child. Well, I was wrong. Well, I took them all in my one bedroom apartment and tried to do the best I could. Making the swich to a father of 3 from a bachelor was a difficult one, and I was unprepared.
I drank too much, puffed too much bud, and really ran down on her parenting skills because she was unable to keep her head above water with 2 kids, why on earth have another?Previously: Serious baby mama drama and other discoveries from the Daddy Types search logs
I dedicated 2 years of my life to getting her and her oldest son back on their feet. Her oldest had many problems in school, and people were saying he needed meds. He just needed a home. They had moved 5 times in the previous 2 years. Well, she just bought a '97 Acura Integra, got her GED, a computer, and has a good job--$16 an hour at night--so I have to stay home m-f and babysit. At no point in time she was watching kids during the day--4 girls from 6 to 4 months.
She's paid all the bills now that shes been working (6 months), and I paid our rent ($1300/mth) for the past 18 months, not to mention the $950/mth that I was paying in our 1 bdrm for 7 mths.
I always worked at night, so that was unavailable to me if I watched the kids. So I have gone damn near broke. She always said no-one ever kissed her, rubbed her back, and loved her, etc.... I have done that, but I also packed up her things because I was drunk and losing my mind, insulted her and said some really crazy things.
The kids have heard us fight, and it breaks my heart to be that person. We got into a blow out fight 2 days before Christmas; I never hated myself more. I bawled like a 3 year old girl, actually slammed my head into our bed post! I promised that I would never do that again, and I've been pretty good at it.
Long story short, I now feel like I can't trust her. Oh yeah, I cheated on her, too, and I told her because I wanted to be honest. I've had girlfriends before, but never a baby mama. I know for a fact that she's cheating on me, but I don't wanna be one of those guys that search around looking for info. I believe if anyone cheats on me, they don't deserve me. So I try not to snoop.
Things that I say to her somehow get out to my so-called friends. I have asked everyone I know, and no-one will tell me anything but I do realize when I look into their faces that they know more than they are telling me. Now I can't believe that after all the things I've done for her--and the good definitely outweighs the bad--that I can't trust her.
I've cried over the craziest things. I'm always an emotional basket case because I feel she tells the kids things to say. She won't really let me in her circle with the kids. I think she laughs at me because of the tears that I've shed. She will wipe her eyes constantly, and claims that it itches. What's even better is that the kids do the same thing. My daughter calls me by my first name; rarely does she call me daddy, because her kids call me by my first name. I don't think she loves me and I don't think she ever did.
I am leaving at the first of the month, and I feel now worse than I have ever felt in my life. I had finally gotten to a point in my life where I had my own place and car and motorcycle. I ran my own business and paid off most of my expenses. I was on my way to purchasing a CTS Caddy, which I love. Women were available to me more than ever, and I felt like king shit.
Now I am self conscious,unable to trust anyone (I think she slept with one of my friends who's younger than me and a better ball player. I used to be a pretty good athlete), and a hermit. No-one really likes me, and to tell you the truth, I don't like myself too much, either, but I know in my heart I did the right thing. It just hurts to realize that sometimes doing the right thing isn't necessarily the best thing to do in your life, and Lord knows what will be left when you are done.
I've read alot of these things today, and it's probably the longest I've been online without looking at porn, but I just didn't want to write this and act like I was perfect and did all this stuff with a smile on my face. I was a pretty big jerk, but I always placed her and the family before anything else, and I would never sleep with any of her friends--that's just wrong.
So if anyone has any input to how I can make myslf feel like myself again, I would greatly appreciate it. Oh by the way, maybe I'm crazy; I think there is a camera in our apartment, because even when she's not there, she's there. Not to mention when I get a phone call, the kids eavesdrop. They have gone through my phone and the car. What should I do?