A roundup of freakout headlines and news from the worlds of science, health, and parenting, to ruin your long weekend:

• Just because they're bite-size, kids should not eat the Tide laundry detergent nuggets. [slate]
• Haha, it's all fun and games until some dad puts the kid in the laundromat washing machine, and it starts turning. [latimes]
• Haha, it's all fun and games until it turns out the dad everyone's been fragging is actually the babysitter's friend, or should we say the ex-babysitter's friend. And everyone will correct their WTFDad? headlines. [youtube]
• Five out of 5 pediatricians who work on studies funded by Miralax recommend the short-term, untested, FDA's-investigating adult laxative for their tiny patients who poo some. [nyt]
• The tobacco industry's success in the levels of flame retardant in American infants' blood is phenomenal. And our kids going through puberty at 9yo means they'll be that much more ready to compete in the global flame retardant industry in the future. Thanks, Big Tobacco! [epic chicagotribune]
• After 27 incidents, including a death and a "catastrophic brain injury," Tots In Mind has been driven out of business. So the CPSC has initiated a refund/credit program with the retailers who sold the company's deadly, stranguliffic crib and playard tents [below]. [cpsc]

Went into the Disney store today and the display of Brave movie toys spoiled the plot.Bastards!

— Shawn Robare (@smurfwreck) May 26, 2012

They will never take our freedom--to shop!

Blues Clues and Dora got a generation of kids to think they're talking to the TV, and now those kids are all grown up, and making iPhone apps. Including Elmo Calls, which basically simulates a FaceTime chat with the little red simpleton.

And it sounds like it kind of sucks:

@GlennF @khoi I'm disappointed by the app. My kids are frustrated, because Elmo is a terrible listener. He monologues/doesn't let them talk.

— Lex Friedman (@lexfri) May 25, 2012

But maybe your kid'll be fooled, and Elmo can convince him to buy more in-app calls at $0.99 a pop, or $4.99 for the "All Calls Pack."

So let's mock now, before Apple rolls out Siri technology to 3rd party developers, and this talking all day with Elmo thing is gonna get real serious real fast.

Elmo Calls [subtraction.com, image: khoi]
Elmo Calls, $0.99 to start, with no end in sight [itunes]

A very lucky and satisfied Bring A Trailer reader has filed a report on the awesome 1973 Citroen SM he scored through the site a couple of months ago. It's the feelgood 40-yo car story of the day, but this photo and quote could not go unblogged:

This past weekend I loaded up the SM for a family road trip to hike at Starved Rock state park and take part in an MTB race in nearby Matthiessen state park. The sound of the Maserati V6 put my son to sleep for much of the drive - an unexpected benefit of SM ownership!

BaT Success Story: That Lucky Citroen SM Buyer [bringatrailer.com]

You know, it's in the media's and advice book writers' interest to draw the anxiety out as long as possible, but as Mom-101's clear-eyed post explains, the Mommy War is inside you, and it could end right now if you just cut yourself a little slack--and then do the same for the other imperfect parents who cross your path.

Advice well worth a few clickthroughs and pageviews.

A guaranteed end to the Mommy Wars [mom-101 via dadcentric]

Sometimes a ketchup bottle is just a ketchup bottle. Though with Paul McCarthy, you can never be sure if this is one of those times.

Still, congratulations to the Public Art Fund for erecting this awesome inflatable Daddie's Ketchup in City Hall Park as part of their Common Ground summer exhibition, which explores, among other things, the "incorporation of language, symbolism and metaphor" in public art, and which opens this evening.

Paul McCarthy's giant, inflatable ketchup looming over City Hall Park [publicartfund's tumblr]
Totally unrelated, completely, totally: Santa Butt Plug, 2007, Antwerp [hauserwirth]

I done seen about everything when I seen Walt Disney outfreak Sun Ra.

For the late intergalactic Jazz overlord's birthday, Dangerous Minds points to Sun Ra and the Arkestra's rendition of "Pink Elephants on Parade," which is synched up here with the original, terrifying Dumbo animation.

The cut is from a 1988 album of WTF early Disney covers from the likes of Bonnie Rait, Ringo Starr, Sinead O'Connor--and Tom Waits, whose growl-moaning version of "Heigh-Ho, Heigh-Ho" takes its cue from the Seven Murderous Dwarves' pickaxes and towering shadows. It is awesome.

Oh wow, and Sun Ra did an entire Disney cover album, Second Star to the Right: Salute to Walt Disney. Here is a 1989 Arkestra performance of Zip A Dee Doo Dah from Austria.

Stay Awake: Various Interpretations of Music from Vintage Disney Films [amazon]

When I saw this float by in @starwarsmodern's twitter feed last night, I thought I'd try to track it down and give some credit. [update: It may be from @wallykrantz]

But then when DT reader Sara sent along this one,

I realized that the right thing to do is just find the hell out of these things in the comments.

My "baby" is having me committed to a state mental institution. @Huggies: Hey dads: what do you have planned for you and baby this weekend?

— Neil Hamburger (@NeilHamburger) May 21, 2012 [via @dadcentric]

It's one of the things I've never really made explicit, mostly because I just hoped the language shift would catch on, or at least be noticed, even unconsciously, by people visiting the site.

But I hate the use of the term "baby" without an article so much it hurts. It's one of the tiniest, yet most annoying things about the Baby Industrial Complex and its historical focus on speaking almost exclusively to moms.

And so from the very beginning, I've never used that construct on Daddy Types. And it's why I almost always use "kid" or "kid" instead. Obviously, I'm resigned to the fact that "baby" has not been smothered in its syntactical crib. Yet.

Here is a photograph of a Clone Trooper pushing a gun and a Coke in a stroller at the Maker Faire. Really not much I can add to it at this point.

Cool Clothes and Styles of Maker Faire Attendees (Part 2) [makezine]

Regular DT readers know I love nothing more than leaving money on the table. From all the ads and sponsored content we don't sell, to all the giveaways and tweetups and shilling contests we don't run.

And now I've found a new way to not maximize the amount of kid gear-related money I take in: by skipping the eBay madhouse and just cold underpricing this pair of Bugaboo Maxi-Cosi adapters in a straight-to-you offer.

These Bugaboo adapters are for the Frog, Cameleon or Gecko, and they fit the Maxi Cosi Mico, Cabrio or CabrioFix infant carriers. They're identical to the models Bugaboo currently sells in the US for $45, though we got them in 2004, from England, and they cost £44 plus approximately £1,000,000 for shipping.

So if I priority mail these to you in the US for $30, I'll be taking a 99.999% haircut.

They do have a patina, but they work perfectly. Do let me know if you'd like them.

Or buy some Bugaboo Maxi-Cosi adapters new for $50 and up, shipped [amazon]

Amsterdam designer Dirk Vander Kooij developed his Endless Flow Process for his 2010 Eindhoven thesis project. Since then, he's refined it to the point where his repurposed industrial robot extruder can print a plastic chair out of recycled refrigerator components in just a couple of hours.

Here's a nice little video of the goopy Endless Process:

At EUR480 for the kid-size rocker, I'm guessing the injection molded crap plastic furniture industry is not yet quaking in its boots.

Endless Flow Products, including The Little One rocker [dirkvanderkooij.nl via kottke]

Luxurious women's lounges in department stores are nothing new. But I still can't help thinking the six differently themed ladies' rooms on each level of the new Shibuya Hikarie complex, including the curtain-filled breastfeeding spa on B2, is the "make lemonade"-style expression of the embarrassment and shame directed at women and their bodies that's so deeply ingrained in Japan's pathologically patriarchal culture.

On the other hand, free wi-fi!

you'll want to visit Shibuya Hikarie just to use the ladies' room! [en.rocketnews24.com via @camcavers]

A reader at Talking Points Memo sent along pictures from his grandmother's attic of Republican coloring book that mocked President Kennedy.

Basically nothing has changed in fifty years, which at least provides a sort of comfort, a continuity with the past, that sort of thing.

Vintage Anti-JFK GOP Coloring Book from the Early 60s [talkingpointsmemo]

Tokyo guru Jean Snow's mechakucha-kawaii photo just proves that eclipses are one of the few things to surpass toddlerhood for fleeting awesomeness.

"This is my favorite photo of people taking in today's eclipse" [@jeansnow via @camcavers]

Fine, here's a quote from AO Scott's review of What To Expect When You're Expecting:

Food trucks, by the way, seem to have replaced yoga classes as an easy, quasi-hip contemporary reference to be exploited in romantic comedies. Enough already. On the other hand, the sight of a bunch of guys with babies strapped to their chests is always funny. So is the word vagina.

Delivering Babies by the Book (Abridged )

You know, it's been a busy, even crazy week, and my eye is kind of hurting because I swim with only one eye open, when I should really just get a pair of goggles? Anyway, this week's freakout is over the dire threat to the white race or whatever. Which, thanks to Ill Doctrine's very well-reasoned, unthreateningly black Ze Frank-ish take on this important matter, we know is not really that big a deal.

Don't Freak Out About The White Babies [vimeo]

1991 was the only year the Audi 200 Avant came with a 20-valve, 280hp 5-cylinder engine. And it was also the only year that the 20-valve turbo engine was offered in a station wagon body style.

Does that help communicate the rarity of this awesome ride, one of the pioneers of the uber-wagon genre? If not, then let the wagon nerds in Bring A Trailer's comment thread have their way with you for a bit.

Old school Audi Avant awesomeness in great-sounding condtion, for $7,500? Do want.

Audi 200 Turbo Quattro Avant (wagon) - $7500 (White Salmon) [portland.craigslist.org via BaT]
1991 Audi 200 Turbo Quattro Avant [bringatrailer]

Well, you can stop grubbin' around in library sales and shelling out the Hamiltons on Abebooks. Because a fresh, crisp, digitally remastered copy of A Mary Blair Treasury of Golden Books can be on your doorstep by August:

I Can Fly is here in its unabridged glory, as are Baby's House, The Up and Down Book, and The Golden Book of Little Verses. Many of the finest pages from The New Golden Song Book are included, to round out this gorgeous collection.

Pre-order A Mary Blair Treasury of Golden Books on Amazon for Aug. 7th release [amazon]

So I got this product pitch yesterday:

Hi Greg,

Summer is around the corner and so begins the season for potty training! More than any other time of year, parents tackle potty training during the summer months- when kids are out of school. I thought you might be interested in these great mom-invented tools to help parents through the tedious process.

And so I pulled it back out of the trash, and scratched my head. Because, "when kids are out of school"?

Don't they have to be toilet trained before going to school? Or don't they kind of work on it at school? I know we freaked about getting kids toilet trained before starting their 2.5yo preschool class, and the teachers were all, Oh, don't stress them out, we'll work on it with you.

So yes, I guess that was summer. Before they go to school.

Anyway, go buy some Tinkle Targets, invented by a mom to teach boys how to aim, which, wow, if there ever were a product category calling out for a dad-invented solution...

You know what'll seem really cute at the time, and may help the kid learn the days of the week, and maybe even start to learn letters and reading? Socks and underwear with the days of the week printed on them.

You know what'll drive you )#$(%ing nuts if she ever does learn to associate specific socks with specific days of the week, and then when you really just need to get out the door, you have to empty the underwear drawer, or hunt through the laundry, or run all over the house looking for the damn Thursday socks? Actually, I'm gonna guess you do know the answer to that one.

Buy various days of the week sock packs that will eventually drive you crazy when you're in a hurry. [amazon]
Just get a bunch of identical socks, hmm?

The Wiggles have been trying to morph from actual people into mindless, mass producible, perpetually monetizable branded characters for years, even before "Greg Wiggle" got sick in 2006 and was replaced by Sam Moran as "The Yellow Wiggle."

And now according to anonymous "Wiggles insider" sources leaking to the Courier Mail, the Wiggly douchebaggery surrounding Moran's sudden firing last January--and the public backlash at same--has prompted Jeff and Murray Wiggle to retire. And Greg, who's still pretty sick, not to mention old, just retired again. And now all three have been replaced by random, 20-something backup singers.

Which leaves just one Original Wiggle, Anthony:

"Murray and Jeff are getting older and they've been thinking about this (retirement) for ages," the insider said.

"And Greg is still a very sick man. Their last concerts were duds and the ill-feeling towards them after Sam left really pushed them to do it."

Tired of the gruelling touring schedule and suffering from ill-health, Fatt and Cook had been agitating to leave the group for years but had been persuaded to stay by their unofficial leader, Anthony Field.

Fatt, 58, underwent emergency heart surgery last year to have a pacemaker fitted. He also performs in a brace to deal with his chronic back problems.

Also, "unofficial leader Anthony Field," who is now the last Wiggle standing. Which just goes to show you, it IS always the dopey ones you gotta watch out for.

Wiggles revamp prompted by public backlash over Sam Moran's axing [couriermail.com.au via the awl]
Previously: Beauty, Mate! Now get lost!

Well I don't know how this got by me. Los Angeles-based artist/curator Doug Harvey organized "The Patter Of Tiny Brains," an exhibition of audio of or by children, for the phone-based art gallery, 323 Projects.

Basically, you can call up the gallery, (323)843-4652 or (323)TIE-IN-LA, any time, day or night, and listen to the show. The kids run from ages zero to about 13, and the recordings date from between yesterday and maybe the early 1970s, though one piece I heard definitely sounded like the 50s.

I just called, and listened to, among other things, a pre-verbal baby laughing his head off; some 7yo or so boys self-consciously announcing themselves to themselves before devolving into poo jokes; trippy disco tracks with faint kid vocals; and a weird spoken word song where Uncle Tommy explains that good girls don't get spanked, so maybe you're not a good girl after all.

You can skip tracks, and I really wanted to find THUUNDERBOY!, the 1971 turntable performance by Ted, the 2yo son of avant garde filmmaker Tony Conrad. But for the life of me, I couldn't match up a single recording to the descriptions on the contributors list.

Still, it's pretty awesome. Will call back.

323 Projects Presents The Patter of Tiny Brains curated by Doug Harvey, runs through May 27 [323projects.com via dougharvey]

I meant to link to Choire's concerned post about the coming real estatepocalypse in Brooklyn when all the adorably involved dads get divorced, but won't move out of the hard-fought good school boundaries, but I got behind. And a good thing, because he found the solution last night in a man summit with some of those eventually-to-divorce dads: dadcaves. They'll all be roomies. Problem solved. Real estate problem, anyway.

Plus, they're all going to be living in the new Crown Heights, after it's gentrified, anyway. That's too bad, because do you know how hard it is to get from the 3 train to the F train? Commuting from daddy's Brodown Palace to Mommy's Lil' Yoga Retreat in Carroll Gardens is going to be horrible for Parsnip and Carrot, the sad hipster twins of divorce.

In New York over the weekend, I went to my friend Tanya Bonakdar's gallery to see my buddy Ernesto Neto's awesome-looking, new, climbable sculptures, and my buddy Ethan, almost literally the first thing out of his mouth when I walk in, is "Dude, you gotta put this on your daddyblog or whatever: NO KIDS. THEY'RE KILLING US."

Apparently, Time Out or Time Out Kids or someone blasted out what an awesome playground Neto's woven rope installation would be, except that it's not, because this one is ages 12 and up, because the little kids can't handle it. So no, it would NOT be an awesome playground, it would be a huge buzzkill.

Ernesto Neto: Slow Iis Good, runs through May 25 [tanyabonakdargallery.com]
Previously, and totally coincidental, not at all related: awesome Ernesto Neto playground-like sculptural installations from 2009 and 2006

Bkln hipster parents with a (lovely) 6mo old baby on my Paris-JFK flight fed her fresh avocado scooped out w/tiny spoon

— Rich Mintz (@richmintz) May 15, 2012

Also when the baby cried they gave her an iPhone to hold and suck on #reallyhappened

— Rich Mintz (@richmintz) May 15, 2012

But I'm pretty sure it was her big sister at the end of her rope who taught K2 the phrase she now uses on everyone all the time it's driving us crazy: "Silence, s'il vous plait."

Waitforit would be a pretty awesome middle name.

— Guan Yang (@guan) May 15, 2012

Oh Partners & Spade, I can't stay mad at you. Let's never speak of Dan Colen again. Instead, let's just do high fives and brohugs about the awesome kids chair exhibit you are putting on in collaboration with the fine folk at Mondo Cane.

Which opens this Friday.

And which is timed to coincide with the worldchanging awesomeness of The Century of the Child, MoMA's exhibition on modernism and kid-related design. Which I have been dying to blog about for a year-plus, but have kept my trap shut. But only for a little longer.

Kids Chair Exhibition One Week From Today [i.e., last Friday] [mondo-blogo]