March 5, 2006

Cottonelle: Use Five Squares, Kids

cottonelle.jpgFunny, because I grew up hearing from my grandmother who lived through the Depression that you're only supposed to use three squares of toilet paper, and you should tear that paper towel in half because you don't need a whole one for most jobs. [fortunately, those mini-sized paper towels came out, and those silenced the scolding voice in my head.]

So when I see Cottonelle's printed toilet paper, which is designed to teach kids how to pull off just the right amount of toilet paper, I'm reflexively skeptical; those two extra sheets are just you being indulgent, kid. You think toilet paper grows on tr-- quiet, you!

Then the MBA in me wakes up and reminds me that this isn't about toilet training at all; it's about portion management and wringing the uncertainties and variability out of consumer product managers' quarterly projections. Just like other volume-packaged products have been migrating to use-based packaging [Pledge-to-Swiffer, Cascade-to-those dishwasher pellets, jar of peanut butter-to-Snackables], the emergence of the 5-sheet buttwipe is merely a diabolical corporate plot to quantify and commoditize every aspect of your consumerist life.

Cottonelle-brand watermelon-scented moist wipes, on the other hand, is a miracle-in-a-refillable box and provides a refreshing, cleansing experience to kids and adults alike.

Cottonelle Kids Products [ via dt reader rick]
Previously: Kandoo? Do Tell


Your grandmother was generous. My mom insisted two squares were sufficient. And using more than one paper towel per day was excessive and wasteful!

the MBA in me says their research indicated kids only needed 3 squares, but if you design it for 5, they will go through TP a lot faster and have to replenish their supply quicker.

All this means more $$$

[good point, you'll go far, young Kaz. -ed.]

Or perhaps it will help decrease the number of times we see a naked child dash out of the bathroom, holding a plunger and crying because he used a whole roll of toilet paper and flooded the bathroom.

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