October 18, 2005

Little Patriots Diapers: These Colors Don't Leak

little_patriots_diapers.jpgIf you watched the debut of Stephen Colbert's The Colbert Report, which followed The Daily Show last night, I know what question is burning at your soul: Where can I get me some of those sweet, sweet American Flag disposable diapers?

[If you missed it, at the opening of the show, Colbert pulled out and poured a pitcher of water into an open disposable diaper that had a large blue-and-white star field on the front and red-and-white stripes running under and around to the back. Larry Flynt couldn't have designed it better if he tried.]

Anyway, the answer, after some feverish Googling and some tips from Thingamababy's AJ, should be clear to anyone who shopped in a Wal-Mart sometime between September 12th and the start of the Iraq War. That's when Little Patriots diapers, put out by private label manufacturer Paragon Trade Brands, filled the shelves of America's most patriotic* megaretailer. [Coincidentally, in 2002, Paragon was bought by our 2nd most patriotic company, Tyco, which climbed from the #3 spot after Enron went out of business.]

Little Patriots diapers don't seem to be in production any more, so you'll have to scour ebay and hyper-patriotic souvenir shops to find some. Or maybe, taking a page from Martha's playbook, Colbert will be putting them in his studio audience's giftbags.

* If, by "patriotic" you mean, "censors your reading and listening material, discriminates against women, and keeps its hundreds of thousands of employees in subsistence wage slavery, and sells flags that your kid pisses and poos on." [Oh well. I'm pretty sure they don't advertise much...]


I can see why Wal*Mart stopped production. If certain lawmakers get their way, defiling these diapers might have Constitutional implications.

Are you allowed to throw these diapers out? What if your local dump burns garbage? Or have they not gotten around to making flag burning illegal yet?

It is hard to keep track of all the liberties they've taken away...

[I think you're supposed to fold them into a triangle after dark. Can't find it now, but one article quoted a mktg exec saying, "sure, people violate the flag code a hundred times, but they do it to show their patriotism." Or, I would add, to make a buck off of people showing their patriotism. -ed.]

Damn Greg, you already took my crack about folding the diapers a certain way, so I'll just say you either have to take the diapers off at dusk, or keep a light shining on your baby's ass all night.

And I wonder if Wal Mart sells different versions for their other markets? "Little Socialists" for Canada, with a big maple leaf on the front, or "Little Communists" for China? I would actually buy Union Jack diapers (Little Blighties?), so Wal Mart, if you're reading this, get on it.

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