July 8, 2008

Not Self-Evident Enough, Apparently: Park Slope Dad Pens Declaration Of Co-Dependence

If Blognigger isn't actually one of Thomas Jefferson's long-unacknowledged descendants, he's still the black Patrick Henry of Park Slope. Like his blog handle, Blognigger's Declaration of Co-Dependence is not for the meek. [Unlefs maybe all those f-words are actually s-words written with thofe old timey long s's that look like f's.] Which doesn't make it any less hilarious or self-evidently true. Though if it were so self-evident, I guess city parents would be a little more mindful of how annoying they and their kids are to their kid-free neighbors, and the childless d-bags would cut families a little slack because, after all, they did decide to live in a kid-centric neighborhood.

Article I: Sidewalk Behavior

I.a.1 - Parents with strollers shall not occupy more than 66% of the width of a given sidewalk's walking area, except for periods of less than ten seconds when passing jutting storefront artifacts such as elongated entranceways, outdoor eating areas, or subway stations.

I.a.2 - As mothers, especially new mothers, are often hormonal masses of cluelessness, fathers will be responsible for a family's compliance with article I.a.1. Childless Individuals are urged to take special note of these characteristics of a mother's mindstate, and to factor this understanding into their reactions to violations of Article 1.a.1; a mother's failure to make room for you on the sidewalk does not derive from her arrogance, though it may easily be mistaken for such; said failure is merely motivated by obliviousness due to lack of sleep, individual freedom, and the chemical demand of continual and exclusive focus on her children.

Dads are also on the hook in the grocery store. See Article V Supermarket Behavior for details. And God Bless America.

The Declaration of Co-Dependence [blognigger.com via like five people]


Why give this person the attention he so obviously seeks?

[because it's funny and pretty much true? -ed.]

I enjoyed this. And won't give the poster above the argument he so obviously seeks.

And, in a development that will warm Greg's heart, Mr. BN drives a Bill and Ted stroller .

[Bill and Ted, heh. I picture Chris Rock as the 13th apostle more than George Carlin as Rufus, but it's still funny. -ed.]

Holy cow! That blog is one of the funniest and most scathingly sharp observations of urban parenting. It's also one of the rare places where I've seen issues of race and economics discussed so frankly within the context of upper-middle class and upper-class parenting. Check out his LOL post about the Park Slope Parents' hand-wringing over the term "nanny": http://www.blognigger.com/2008/06/nanny-diarrhees.html

[I was going to link to that, too. I read through the archives last night, and I have to agree, the dude is funny and frank, and he's dead-on with some of the id-generation reactions to the idiocies that surround us in the city--his WTF? reaction to parents giving their kids Hawaiian Punch and Fritos for breakfast on the train, for example. But without getting all Cosby about it, he also sounds seriously angry. Not that I don't totally relate to the shortening of the fuse that can come from having two kids...I don't know, I guess his energy isn't any more misdirected than the dopes sitting around angsting over whether it's PC to call their nanny a nanny or not. Which is probably his point. -ed.]

My personal fave:

II.b.1 - Clueless slacker Gen-Y waiters are urged to realize that kids are fucking time bombs, and if they aren't screaming and crying yet they will be soon - please get our family's order chop chop boys, and get us the food, and then the check, and let us get home, and don't be dickin around like we're a couple of melodramatic ambiance-seeking divorcees on a first J-date.

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