September 5, 2007

Baby Time Capsule Will Still Not Outlast Disney's Control Of Pooh-Related Copyrights


What better way could there be to capture the love and joy of your child's birth and preserve it for the far off future, than with a stainless steel time capsule engraved with your child's name and birthdate in between pictures of Winnie the Pooh, Piglet, and Tigger? [Yes, that's a rhetorical question. The answer I was looking for is "Disney Time Capsule."]

Just imagine that day, long after you're gone, when your son, now an old man, unbolts this thing from the rafters, pops it open, and finds a note from his parents, a crusty hospital cap, some yellowed phonecam stickers, and a strange-looking rubber bracelet with an oddly shaped clasp? What does it fit into, he will wonder? USB? What's that? And why is the receipt and proof of purchase in here, too?

And slowly it will dawn on him when he sees the sacred images of The Great Leader: this was how it happened. This was the exact moment when, by customizing his time capsule, you inadvertently assigned exclusive copyright for his name and likeness to the Walt Disney Corporation in perpetuity. This metal tube is the inescapable cause of the powerless, anonymous hell that was his life, where he couldn't even introduce himself in any medium or form in the known universe without the express written permission of Lord ESPN and Major League Baseball. And he will quietly curse you and weep.

Oh, and the receipt's in there because it's required for any factory repairs that might be needed down the road, and the Disney Mall instructions said to take care to put it in a safe place.

Disney Mall Exclusive - Pooh & Friends Baby Time Capsule, 52,000 yen, please allow 7 wks for delivery [, google-translated version here]


This is the best title in the history of blogs! Thanks for the laugh.

That's a weird design

So do they load it into a submarine and torpedo it into a glacier?

[you're supposed to bolt it in a room with low climate variability. the whole thing seems like a scam to me. and anyway, there won't be any glaciers left when the kid wants to open it. maybe stick a polar bear beanie baby in there, just to confuse them even more. -ed.]

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