March 21, 2005

A Baby Daddy's Dilemma

Here's a story that a DT reader and baby daddy just posted as a comment. I'm pretty stunned by it and have to think a bit before I can come up with any useful advice for him. But it's a pretty rough, compelling story.

I was 29 years old when I knew I was going to be a father. The mother had a 7 year old and a 4 year old at the time didn't have a very nice place to stay(to put it mildly). She got pregnant, and we handled the situation. We agreed that she has to go on the pill. She complied, and we continued our rendezvous. Well, she somehow got pregnant. She stated that she had done everything correctly, but somehow, it just happened.

Here I am, thinking, well, 24 years old and 3 kids, there is no way that she's keeping this child. Well, I was wrong. Well, I took them all in my one bedroom apartment and tried to do the best I could. Making the swich to a father of 3 from a bachelor was a difficult one, and I was unprepared.

I drank too much, puffed too much bud, and really ran down on her parenting skills because she was unable to keep her head above water with 2 kids, why on earth have another?

I dedicated 2 years of my life to getting her and her oldest son back on their feet. Her oldest had many problems in school, and people were saying he needed meds. He just needed a home. They had moved 5 times in the previous 2 years. Well, she just bought a '97 Acura Integra, got her GED, a computer, and has a good job--$16 an hour at night--so I have to stay home m-f and babysit. At no point in time she was watching kids during the day--4 girls from 6 to 4 months.

She's paid all the bills now that shes been working (6 months), and I paid our rent ($1300/mth) for the past 18 months, not to mention the $950/mth that I was paying in our 1 bdrm for 7 mths.

I always worked at night, so that was unavailable to me if I watched the kids. So I have gone damn near broke. She always said no-one ever kissed her, rubbed her back, and loved her, etc.... I have done that, but I also packed up her things because I was drunk and losing my mind, insulted her and said some really crazy things.

The kids have heard us fight, and it breaks my heart to be that person. We got into a blow out fight 2 days before Christmas; I never hated myself more. I bawled like a 3 year old girl, actually slammed my head into our bed post! I promised that I would never do that again, and I've been pretty good at it.

Long story short, I now feel like I can't trust her. Oh yeah, I cheated on her, too, and I told her because I wanted to be honest. I've had girlfriends before, but never a baby mama. I know for a fact that she's cheating on me, but I don't wanna be one of those guys that search around looking for info. I believe if anyone cheats on me, they don't deserve me. So I try not to snoop.

Things that I say to her somehow get out to my so-called friends. I have asked everyone I know, and no-one will tell me anything but I do realize when I look into their faces that they know more than they are telling me. Now I can't believe that after all the things I've done for her--and the good definitely outweighs the bad--that I can't trust her.

I've cried over the craziest things. I'm always an emotional basket case because I feel she tells the kids things to say. She won't really let me in her circle with the kids. I think she laughs at me because of the tears that I've shed. She will wipe her eyes constantly, and claims that it itches. What's even better is that the kids do the same thing. My daughter calls me by my first name; rarely does she call me daddy, because her kids call me by my first name. I don't think she loves me and I don't think she ever did.

I am leaving at the first of the month, and I feel now worse than I have ever felt in my life. I had finally gotten to a point in my life where I had my own place and car and motorcycle. I ran my own business and paid off most of my expenses. I was on my way to purchasing a CTS Caddy, which I love. Women were available to me more than ever, and I felt like king shit.

Now I am self conscious,unable to trust anyone (I think she slept with one of my friends who's younger than me and a better ball player. I used to be a pretty good athlete), and a hermit. No-one really likes me, and to tell you the truth, I don't like myself too much, either, but I know in my heart I did the right thing. It just hurts to realize that sometimes doing the right thing isn't necessarily the best thing to do in your life, and Lord knows what will be left when you are done.

I've read alot of these things today, and it's probably the longest I've been online without looking at porn, but I just didn't want to write this and act like I was perfect and did all this stuff with a smile on my face. I was a pretty big jerk, but I always placed her and the family before anything else, and I would never sleep with any of her friends--that's just wrong.

So if anyone has any input to how I can make myslf feel like myself again, I would greatly appreciate it. Oh by the way, maybe I'm crazy; I think there is a camera in our apartment, because even when she's not there, she's there. Not to mention when I get a phone call, the kids eavesdrop. They have gone through my phone and the car. What should I do?

Previously: Serious baby mama drama and other discoveries from the Daddy Types search logs


I hate to be the pooper, but both parents have a lot of growing up to do. I wish mom had good grandparents to take care of the kids until the parents stop being selfish, and get their lives in order. Having your first child can be a wake-up call that spurs change, but I don't see that here.

This person needs mental help immediately. Phrases like "I think there's a camera in my apartment" and "the kids eavsdrop on me" seem to be sure signs of mental illness. (I'm not a pro, but these are things my mentally ill mother says to me). Maybe if he takes care of this illness first, he can take care of all the other issues out there as well.

We'll let's disprove a key claim: "I always placed her and the family before anything else."

Bogus. He gets drunk. He does drugs. He spends his Internet time looking at porn. He cheats on his wife. Oh wait, are they even married? Has he made that commitment? In short, this "man" is very very very selfish. He pines for the days when he had women and vehicles and was about to get his very own CTS Caddy. Now he's moving out of the house and away from his child instead of dealing with his responsibilities. He values his own gratification over everything and everyone else.

To top it off, he "handled the situation" (abortion?) with the first pregnancy, then is surprised when a second pregnancy occurs. It seems it's Mom's fault because Dad didn't know birth control is not 100% effective. Hey Dad, be a man. Wear a condom.

When you become a Dad, your life changes forever. I was a different guy before my child was born. Now I'm a Dad. You are one too. Sober up. Kick your addictions. Anything that consumes too much of your time and doesn't contribute to the family's health is a bad thing. Stop complaining. Stop blaming everyone else. Spend time with your family. Love your girlfriend / wife / whatever. Get serious.

To add to MelG-F's mental health post... Conspiracy theories are a troubling sign, but I might attribute it to Dad being very insecure about himself. I'd be happier knowing he was seeking some professional counseling.

My wife is a mental health professional, so I have to talk her into chiming in on this one. She did have a good point, though: feeling alone, feeling like no one likes you, not liking yourself, paranoia, self-destructive behavior (maybe I came up with that last one), not trusting anyone; these are often brought about by extreme stress.

This guy probably needs to get himself some counselling first, then begin working on his relationship with this woman and with the kids.

Somewhat related, I find it interesting this gentleman decided to open up here. If he's been around a while, then he must feel comfortable with us (I do feel we have a bit of a community going here). If he just posted here after coming here for the first time, then to open up to strangers seems to me to be quite a cry for help.

Then again, I am not professional in this field. I just relay what I know from a few psyche courses, and what I remember of what my wife says...

without knowing for sure, I'm guessing he found the site by Googling something like "baby mama drama."

When people come across the individual site pages from Google, they often interpret the spare design as a message board and post their own questions. Usually, they're things like, "Where can I get a Bugaboo shipped to the UK?"

But I think Kaz's (or Kaz's baby mama's) interpretation is right: the guy probably feels like he has no one or nowhere to turn to with a problem he recognizes (at least in part) but feels unable to solve.

I posted this in a more prominent spot hoping that his story'd elicit some straightforward talk, but also to underscore the guy's need to find someone in the real world, but outside his situation, to talk with.

If the hard answer is baby daddies don't have many places to turn when they face problems, well, it's worth pointing that out, too.

Here is my take:

Cadillac CTS...............................$45,000.00
Having a new girl each night...........$200.00
Getting high...........................(Market Price)

Having a child.........................$$Priceless$$

Look, we all make stupid mistakes, but the key thing is to learn from them. I was in a similar situation (except I didn't do drugs, cheat, want a Cadillac, or think I was being spyed on). In my case, Baby Mama was an abusive alcoholic. I had no choice but to leave. I left her, not my daughter. I play a huge part in my daughter's life and Baby Mama doesn't like it. I guess she has to suffer with my Baby Daddy drama, or in other words, a Dad who cares.

Well, what an interesting read. This is quite sad to put it bluntly. You do drugs, she gets herself together and you're on here whining? Arghh, can we say she didn't get pregnant by herself? Love how some say "she got pregnant" as if she did it all on her own. Either way sounds like your "baby mama" got her self together, she's working, trying to better her situation, but at the same time both of you seem to be playing some serious children games. At 29 and 24 that's sad.

Wish you luck buddy, because it looks like you need it. But yeah you're paranoid. Why not stop drinking, smoking, and singing "woe is me" and get it together. Wear condoms save the world from another nut.


hi id just like to say, i quikly read through this story and thought to myself?! looks like the weed has you trapped in severe paranoia, you are a drunken maniac (who seems to cry alot), YOU HAVE A FAMILY!?!?!?(god help us). all i can say is, stop with the f**king weed man, it messes youre head up, well it did to me, anyways...
good luck mate

hi id just like to say, i quikly read through this story and thought to myself?! looks like the weed has you trapped in severe paranoia, you are a drunken maniac (who seems to cry alot), YOU HAVE A FAMILY!?!?!?(god help us). all i can say is, stop with the fucking weed man, it messes youre head up, well it did to me, anyways...
good luck mate

I read your story and i only came across it because i was looking for some advice myself with my baby daddy drama. So i don't know what to tell you because other than the fact that obviously you need to stay in those kids life but minimize time with their mother i don't know what to tell you. Good luck with all that and its nice to see a guy actually effected by whats going on with his kids rather than running from it all.

Well this story is sad. I mean your 29 years old not a teenager. I am currently pregnant with my first child and because of immature men like you im stuck dealing with all the stress of pregnancy mostly alone. My boyfriend is only 21, but even he isn't as bad as you are. Did you ever think maybe she is going through alot to and if you would stay around instead being out cheating on her you would be able to work things out. O yea and the whole weed thing, grow up loser, the money u use on that might be more than enough to take your kid out and get to know her.

I understand a little how you feel. I am 17 and am 9 weeks pregnant and my baby's daddy is a complete drop kick. He is 17 and does alot of drugs, not just weed..Catapress, Whizz, E..etc. So before you think you have it bad right now you really don't. I have to put up with his drug fucked rampages and it stresses me out to breaking point. You have a family and a daughter to look after and I think you seriously need to get into Rehab and get off the drugs. I told my baby's daddy that there was no way he would see our baby if he were on any drugs of any kind. He is trying to get off them now and so should you. You have responsibilities and I think it's pathetic the way you are acting so selfsihly. I have sacraficed my family and friends for my baby and you should think of the things you should be sacraficing for your family too. If you want a wake up call, reply.

There is nothing wrong with this man! He is a new father and does not know what to do. His own child does not even call him daddy. Now you all may not say the same thing as me but thats what i believe. He needs help and so does his baby mama!!! Thats not right that his baby mama does not even tell his child to call him daddy. Or at least tell the child she should love her father like she loves her mother.

I have been where you are. Your baby mama is using you to be a babysitter and financial crutch. Although she will go after you for child support, LEAVE, and get some piece of mind. I did, and focused solely on my sons and being a better man. I now have custody of them and she pays ME child suport.

My Brother, you need to say a prayer and ask Jesus to forgive you of your sins and save you. Then ask Him to guide you into being the Man he created you to be.

No one can cast judgment, none are perfect. Pray, and I will be praying for you and all you who cast judgment instead of Love.

Go to your nearest Church and tell them you need you want to be Saved.

God Bless you.

[then stop blowing your paycheck on weed and kicks, stop hanging with your bros and your hos, and start spending time with your kids. Lots of time, even if you think it's boring. Jesus may have sacrificed everything to save our souls, but being a parent means sacrificing, too, not just ordering up salvation like it's a value meal at McDonald's. -ed.]

You don't deserve to be bashed! This story sounds very typical. Neither you nor your babymomma are entirely perfect or entirely to blame.

There are many churches that will offer free premarital counseling to couples in need- especially in a case with three children at risk. Even if you don't plan to marry, you need to work out your relationship problems so that you can co-parent better. Maybe down the line you can get married and live together again. Don't give up hope for your family.

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