April 22, 2014

Is That A Scrotum-Cooling Gelpak In Your Pocket, Oh, It's In Your Underpants?

Some people have invented underpants designed to cool your testicles, which has a pouch to hold a refrigerated gelpak. This is intended to promote increased sperm production, since sperm and testicles are highly sensitive to overheating. This is called ball sweat, and the solution to it is called, by the inventors of these underpants, "manly cooling."

If you Google the phrase "manly cooling," the results are split fairly evenly between discussion and promotion of these gelpak underpants and air conditioner repair services in Manly, Australia. Which, honestly, since we're on the subject of branding, is a helluva name for a town.

One of the top results [Manly Cooling SEO!] is to the underpants peoples' blog, which includes awkward stock photos of guys and balls, as well as excerpts from the 2006 book, The Testosterone Factor: A Practical Guide to Improving Vitality and Virility, Naturally by Dr. Shafiq Qaadri.

Dr. Qaadri was born in Chicago, but his Pakistani parents moved the family to Ontario when he was a child. In addition to being a medical doctor on TV, he was elected to the Legislative Assembly in 2003. So he wrote an entire book about testicle cooling while holding political office.

And though he has highly Canada-specific advice like avoiding heated car seats, I was struck by this flash of testicular nationalism:

f you don't like robes, just wear a towel, with the knot tied on your side at your hips. Incidentally, that's how most men in high-sperm, very fertile Eastern countries walk around all the time - open and ventilated. In fact, sperm counts are rising in such third world countries, whereas counts in the Western world have declined by 50 percent in the last forty years.
If you didn't have enough anxiety about your virility already, take a swig of Dr. Qaadri's global ethno- politico- cultural sperm race elixir. Chilled, of course.

snowballs_infographic.jpg

Anyway, if you are concerned about such things as overheated testicles and sperm counts, and you're to the stage where you'd like an optimized chilled gelpak stuffed in your underpants solution to testicular cooling, get yourself some Snowballs today. You can be stuffing your SnowWedge™ into your Snowballs tonight.

Snowballs Cooling Underwear [snowballsunderwear.com via publicist, obv]
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